Satirical News Feature
Climate Change is Encouraging the Ocean and Marshall Islands to Perform a Magic Trick: The Disappearing Act
by Yamila Johnson
The Pacific Ocean is mad at us humans. It’s now trying to find a way to punish us and it has decided that the best thing to do is rise. The ocean is smart though and has decided to do something bad to the Marshall Islands. The Pacific Ocean has tricked the Islands and convinced them to team up with each other to do the ultimate trick, The Disappearing Act.
This trick will cost the many Marshallese citizens and residents to have to leave their home land. Fortunately, the ocean and islands are going to take many years to practice and execute their act, which means there’s still time for humans to fix their bad habits. There’s a chance the process could be put to an end and we can save the people and their home land. The only way to do this, is to stop polluting the world and finding a new way to use power.
Kwaj Cats Rebel, Jumping Kids Who Go Spooking
by Aidan Aboud
Over the course of the past week we have received multiple reports of Kwaj Cats being found in mass groups, moving in sync, waiting around corners or in the gutters of multiple high activity streets. These cats have remained a harmless curiosity, until last night, when a child was jumped in the act of spooking a house. He walked up to the door, knocked, dropped the candy, and was sprinting away when a swarm of cats surrounded him, and dragged him, kicking and screaming, into the darkness. He could be heard pleading for a few minutes, offering the Cats his candy. The authorities are still searching for his body. More recently, a swarm of Kwaj cats was spotted entering the gutter of a road on ocean side, with what looked like two pallet’s worth of tuna cans. No-one knows where they might have gotten the tuna, or if it even was tuna, and the report has yet to be confirmed. One thing we can be confident about is that the cats are waiting, and they are hungry.
Remember When They Ignored You?
by Aidan Aboud
Have you ever ridden by someone on a bike, and gone through all that effort to wave to them, only for them to stare at you with their repulsive, beady eyes, and ignore your friendly gesture? Their dead-eyed, zombie-like stare pierces your very core, as they turn their head away from you, and try to act like they didn’t see what you did. But they did. And their hateful actions may even lead you to believe that it is a problem with your own demeanor. But it's not. They’re just little stuffed up… Sorry. I let my emotions get the better of me there. But it's true. They hate you. They must. It has to be a problem with them. Just, next time, don’t forget to put on pants when you leave your house.
Trustworthy Students Make It Through an Entire Year Without Cheating
by Teela Biehn
Dave: I can't believe I've made it through this entire school year without cheating on any assignments!
Lizzy: Me too! And we made straight As!
Dave: They don't call us the smart ones for nothing. Other students could really learn from our good example. You don't always need to cheat to make it to the top.
Lizzy: I couldn't agree more. If you can't succeed without cheating, what are you doing with your life?
Dave: Right! Although there was one time during a Chemistry exam I had to slightly glance at the cheat sheet sticking out of my backpack but that was simply a quick glance.
Lizzy: And it was pure luck that your backpack was unzipped at the time of the Chemistry exam.
Dave: Indeed it was. Quite impossible to consider that cheating if you ask me.
Lizzy: Star students like us would never plan such a thing. I can recall one time this year when I wrote the Spanish quiz answers on my thighs underneath my skirt, but that quiz was hardly worth any points.
Dave: Then you can hardly count it as cheating.
Lizzy: Examente!
Dave: Reminds me of a time this year when I wrote the French test answers on the inside of my plastic water bottle. Not so much cheating just… using my resources wisely.
Lizzy: Ah, great minds think alike! There’s a big difference between cheating and resourceful thinking. Everyone knows that.
Dave: And we would certainly never cheat.
Lizzy: No never. Now that I think of it during the Algebra final I hid my phone inside my calculator cover so I could google some answers.
Dave: Well, that's necessary because it aided a helpless victim who had been involuntarily subjected to unreasonable conditions. The school should be ashamed.
Lizzy: Absolutely shamefaced.
Dave: No one in their right mind could say that was cheating.
Lizzy: You're right. We’ve done good this year haven't we?
Dave: So good. I'm proud of us!