Remorse

by Anonymous

There was no need to shoot the elephant. From the moment the officer set out that morning having received the call reporting an elephant causing havoc in the bazaar, he never intended on shooting it. Even after borrowing a rifle from his associate, contrary to the belief of the natives who began to follow him, it was meant only in case the need for self defense arose. Shooting an elephant is a serious matter — comparable to destroying a huge and costly piece of equipment. But at that moment the officer took notice of the immense crowd that had found its way around him, “...two thousand at the least and growing every minute”(Orwell, “Shooting an Elephant”). The sea of yellow faces watched him intently, “...all certain that the elephant was going to be shot”(Orwell, “Shooting an Elephant”). It was at this moment the officer realized his place in his world of imperialism. He, the white man, holding the gun, seemingly the leader of this act, but unknown to others, acting on the wills of those he is supposed to hold power over, such as his actions were not of his own intent, but of the majority's wishes. He is the puppet, but he is also the sahib and the sahib must be definitive and powerful in his actions no matter how much he wishes against these thoughts of harm which the natives wish so greatly for. He does what he must even if he regrets it, often wondering “…whether any of the others grasped that I had done it solely to avoid looking a fool”(Orwell, “Shooting an Elephant”). He shot.

“Crash!” - I look over. There’s a massive hole in the window, but not just any window. This new school is not so new, originally built in 1836 – Barton Academy was Alabama’s first public one and was in use until the 1960’s. After this it was used as the Mobile County Public Schools District Office. A building of beauty and incredible architecture and yet respect was lacking in the children who attended it. As I stared at the window, no one made a move. The teacher was on the other side of the yard and had not heard the noise and as I approached the broken glass a wall of students stood looking to divert attention from it. A sense of guilt came over me. I knew for a fact I had not committed the grievance, but still felt I was in some way responsible. I told the teacher. I never wanted anybody to get in trouble, I liked my classmates, but had I not told anyone, it would have weighed on me even more.

Jerry had spent years going to the same beach. He knew the curve of the path and the crowding of the beach. He was now older, he became easily distracted by opportunities of new amusements, but he continued to keep this longing in secret. His mother was ahead of him on the path. She turned around feeling he was not with her - “‘Oh, there you are Jerry!’” - she could feel his eagerness to adventure, understanding that he wasn’t the same young boy he had been the years before (Lessing, “Through the Tunnel”). She wished to allow him freedom, but at the same time was unsure if freedom would only pull them further apart. Jerry was familiar with his mother’s anxious and apologetic smile. Contrition sent him running after her. Turning away from the untamed and fierce bay he so wished to explore, and pulling him to the safety of a beach he knew so well.

I was late. I could see the clock roll over to 9:01, and immediately knew I was going to be in trouble when I got home. I felt a sense of urgency, one that I decided to disregard. I was already in trouble, staying out a few more minutes wouldn’t do much. I got home at 9:25. I felt immediate guilt as I walked into my house, she was standing there, waiting for me. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but not a word, she went to bed. My mom has always been there for me, through everything, she has taken me around the world and back and yet I was willing to put my wishes before her own. And in the end of doing something I had chosen for myself, something I should be proud of as it was my own decision, I felt remorse, a feeling in my heart telling me to do better. If you cannot be proud of your own actions, then you should not commit such actions. A feeling of contrition is a warning towards the evils that you have led yourself into, even if you may not see it at first.

All the examples I display here, are put forth to make a point. In the wake of decisions we are not proud of we find remorse, even in situations where we may have done the right thing — the way it affects others can leave us with a feeling of regret. Although dwelling on the past can lead to further troubles, understanding the actions that led to your guilt allows you to grow in ways of not only understanding, but also in ways allowing you to correct those mistakes and keep yourself from committing further grievances. Contrition keeps us on a path that is good, one that makes us do what in our heart we believe is right, and one that brings us towards a brighter, less hardship filled future. At the end of the day, you are entirely in control of your own choices and actions, the power to do what is right is there for your taking and the calling to find oneself is one that only you can hear. Don’t live in fear, but learn from your choices, be open to the world, and the world will be open to you.