Easter Night

by Jonielle Tagoilelagi

April 17, 2022

Happily watching the little dancers as I was sitting in the back row, I felt the coolness of the Easter breeze and the sun rays coming through the window behind me, lightly kissing my skin, and giving me chills from the warmth. The church filled with plenty of people, giving the area a strong scent of sweat and different types of perfume and cologne. 

I sat left, next to Nei’mama and Remiha, my older sister. To the right side, sat my step sister. We were all laughing and cheering at the little dancers. As they were finishing up, lining up to Jaba, people started to join too. I got up and followed behind Nei’mama as I was holding my baby sister against the side of my waist. Walking from the back and pushing through a ton of people, trying to find my way to the front without losing sight of Nei’mama; I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see who it was; between two other people behind me, finding the music guy, Boken. 

He signaled something I couldn’t quite understand so I just signaled back ‘wait’. I turned to see where I was, suddenly finding myself up in front. I gave my jaba then quickly rushed to find La’Boken. 

Before I went to find him, I headed back to where I was sitting, gave my baby sister to my mom, then made my way to where La’Boken was. 

My stomach was aching from how curious I was to hear what he was going to say. As I caught up to him, he said that someone was waiting for me outside. Me? Who? Nobody ever looks for me. This is weird. Now my whole body started to tremble. I don't know why, but it made me nervous.

I looked out the side door to find more people. I scanned the area to find a pair of eyes staring at me, like they were trying to pierce through me. I was startled, then I realized that the eyes belonged to a close friend of my dad. He gave me a look which meant that he needed to tell me something very important.

Heading towards him, my heart was pounding like it was about to rip out of my chest. Every breath that I took seemed to be really short and was like they were being cut. Please don't be bad, please don’t be bad. I don’t want to be unhappy when today feels like a good day for me.

He told me that my aunt, Sonia, needed me and my brother. He said that she needed both of us to head to the house together. I don’t really know how I was feeling. I had a bad feeling but on the other hand, it felt like I was overreacting. I looked for my brother and we headed straight to the house as quickly as we could. I snuck a peek at my brother to see how he was feeling, trying my best to not show a reaction but I couldn't. He saw how the confusion and horror on my face really hit me.

I reached for the doorknob, as my arms trembled, I opened the door then peaked my head in. I saw Sonia on the couch. Her left hand was covering her face and the other held a phone. It seemed to look like she was on a phone call. As she heard us coming in but never looked up; all she said was for us to go sit next to her.

I took a seat on the couch right next to her and my brother took a seat next to me. Finally, looking up and staring at us with drops of tears rolling down her cheeks, she said. “ I have some bad news” 

I searched in her eyes, nothing came back in return. 

“Your dad has passed,” she said in a voice almost cracking but stable enough to come through. Tears come pouring out. Her voice was breaking. I have never seen Sonia cry. 

Never. 

It was almost impossible to believe that she was crying. There. 

Right next to me. 

I laughed. “You’re kidding right?”

No response.

“I know you’re joking.”

A minute had passed and I couldn’t seem to process what she had said. Passed? Who? My dad? I don’t get it. So many questions started to flow through my mind. One by one. Then pairs. Next thing I realized, I wasn’t breathing. My heart was pumping very fast, but no air seemed to go in and out of my nose or mouth.

 There it was.

 My eyes started to water and my heart stinging with pain.

 I was sobbing so hard, every breath I took, hurt. I curled in my aunt’s arms, crying along with her for about what had seemed to be hours but was only for seconds. She tried comforting me but I had nothing on my mind except for leaving. My emotions were too much for me to handle so I stood up and just left; slamming the door behind me and leaving my brother there. I don’t know if I was sad, or even mad. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen! Today was supposed to be my day of happiness.

I made my way back to the church trying to calm myself down. Stop crying. Stop crying. I kept talking to myself, preventing myself from sobbing; not even caring if people were staring at me down the streets. I made my way back to my house, storming up the stairs upon my porch in anger. I don’t know how or why but my reactions and emotions were all over the place just like a glass bottle shattering and you can only get a hold of the big pieces, but all the small pieces are everywhere. Unable to be seen nor touched. I reached for the door, realizing that my arms and hands kept trembling. Locked. Are you kidding me right now. I constantly pace back and forth trying to think properly and release my stress but it didn’t seem to work. My tears, getting bigger and bigger making my vision really blurry. I walk towards the chair across the other side of the porch to sit and try to catch my breath. 

I kept replaying the scene in my head over and over again trying to convince myself that I was hallucinating and that nothing just happened. Taking deep breaths and wiping away my tears every millisecond thinking that it would help but it didn’t. I sobbed even more. People walked past my house, hearing my horrible cry, and didn’t even stop to see who was crying and why. 

March 14, 2018

“ Okay, If you were to tell me how much pain you’re in, from one to ten, how would you rate your pain?” said the doctor holding up ten fingers to my face as I laid on the patient bed. Without a word, I held up nine fingers. He looked me in the eyes with a pale expression. Nodded his head then wrote something down on a piece of paper attached to his clipboard. Though I was in so much pain, I knew it wasn’t a ten. So that’s why I gave him a nine.

I looked down to my feet flashing back that memory and thought to myself, How much am I hurting now?

 Ten… This is my ten. 

Easter Night

“ Leiya eh? Jinom ej kabit- Oh my gosh! Eitha? What happened? “ 

I was so distracted, I didn’t even realize that one of my friends, Holden had walked in. He sat next to me then stroked my back giving me a light hug. I cried even more. He asked and asked what had happened but I couldn't seem to talk. I wanted to, but nothing came out. I sat there with tons of thoughts going through my whole brain for a very long time. Long enough to get Holden tired of asking to the point that he left. Leaving me there all by myself.

All alone. 

Crying. 

A few minutes later, my mom, brother, and oldest sister, Dolle, came to the house. By that time, I had calmed myself down but my eyes were swollen. I looked at my brother and he looked and acted like nothing had happened. Cold hearted beast. My mom looked at me and said nothing. She walked straight into the house. I don’t know if she’s mad or just moody but I had a feeling that something was off. Does she know?

I was finally able to get up on my feet and started to walk out of my house, not having a single thought of where to go, letting my body lead me to wherever. As I was wandering around, Memories flashed.

December 25, 2010

“Merry Christmas lil’bwinjing!” Daddy lifted me up and wrapped me in his arms. “ Let's go see what Santa has left for you” 

January 01, 2011

“ 3…2…1… Happy new years!!” Daddy said, lifting me up into the air. Kissing my cheeks and hugging me tight. “ I love you my lil’bwinjing”

February 14, 2012

“Happy Valentine's day my love. Daddy loves you so much. Always and forever.”

July 04, 2012

“My lil’princess. I don’t need any fireworks. You are my firework.”

August 27, 2012

“Happy birthday to you” Daddy sings. “Happy birthday to you- Happy birthday my dear lil’princess. Happy birthday to you!” 

September 14, 2013

“ Don’t you worry my bwinjing, just because I’m leaving, doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I will love you forever and always. I promise to call you everyday." He hugged me and held me tightly for a long time, but it seemed like the shortest amount of time in my life. Next thing I know, he lets go, kisses my cheeks, takes his suitcase, and heads out the door. 

That was the last hug I’ve had from him.

February 5, 2023

“......................”

“I love you too, daddy. So very much” 

Till this day, I can’t forget what happened, when it happened, and how it happened. 

Time has passed and it has given me time to think that, even the ones we love are eventually going to leave us. Our character is what is really going to test us after their passing. It's like a common saying that states- ‘It is common to make mistakes, but what really matters is what you’re going to do after you make that mistake.’ So what I’ve decided to do is let this tragic moment lead me. Not hold on to me, but lead me to my future because I know that having a special moment, or something that happens to us, really shapes who we are and what we become. I wouldn’t say I’ve moved on nor I ever will, but I’ve controlled myself to accept that he isn’t here physically and what’s truly here are the memories I will cherish my whole life. 

The memories. 

Our memories.